One on One Instinctual Subtype

By Steve Purdom, Type 3, SP/1:1/SC

A separate and important part of the enneagram is the Instinctual Subtypes. There are 3 subtypes which are called Self Preservation, One on One and Social. For most people these are unconscious and yet all pervasive. Ichazo, recognized by many as the founder of the enneagram, described the 3 subtypes as “three fundamental reactions of our organism to sustain life.” They are indeed three distinct approaches to long term survival. Each Instinctual Subtype represents 1/3 of the truth. The best option for survival is to have all 3 subtypes fully developed and available to us.

In general, we do have and use all 3 subtypes but one is usually dominant and the second subtype is strong but the third is underdeveloped. There are people who seem to move fluidly from SP to 1:1 to SC and these people approach problems with more flexibility and more options for decision making and resolving conflict. Our goal should be to have equal access to all three subtypes.

Today, I want to focus on One on One as a subtype. It is the ultimate subtype for intimacy but it only contains 1/3 of the truth. The individuals in which this subtype is dominant spend their energies on finding and interacting with their “Soul Mates”. They will ignore Self Preservation needs in pursuit of emotionally, intense relationships. I call this the Romeo and Juliet Syndrome. Peter O’hanrahan has referred to 1:1 subtypes as a cult of two.

One on one subtypes will participate in group events but usually they are looking for one interesting, attractive person to interact with. They are the couple, at parties, who are standing directly in front of each other and eyes locked on each other without blinking. They ignore the rest of the room. In contrast to the self preservationists, they are not interested in the food or the physical comforts available. In their home, the 1:1’s frequently have bare pantries and refrigerators and report that if they are in a serious relationship they might even forget to eat.

So how does the 1:1 subtype show up in our life choices? Like the other two subtypes it shows up in all of our activities: Marriage/Work/Vacations/Movies/Books and Recreational Activities.

  • Marriage is very important to the 1:1 subtype and they spend lots of their energy finding the right partner.Within the marriage they want one on one time and other intimate expressions from their partners. They enjoy romantic meals but not for the food but rather for the intimacy. Self preservationists concentrate on the food first and the relationship secondarily. Social subtypes like meals with groups.
  • The work choices for 1:1 subtypes will be 1:1 interactions. Almost all of the therapists that I know, are 1:1 subtypes. My two Japanese language teachers, who do only private lessons, are 1:1 subtypes. Massage therapists are probably more likely to be 1:1 subtypes. Any situation where you are sitting across the table with one client to teach or share information would suit a 1:1 subtype.
  • Vacations will center around couple activities and movies will be romantic 1:1 themes.
  • Likewise books in the romantic genre are a favorite of 1:1 subtypes.
  • Recreational activites will be centered around activities with their partner and will perhaps have a more adventurous flavor to them. White water rafting, bungy jumping might be enjoyed depending on Personality Type. Ballroom dancing is a favorite activity and all the ladies that I know who asked if I would take dancing lessons with them were 1:1.
  • Favorite songs would include the titles “Just the Two of Us”, and “This House Just Ain’t no Home Anytime You go Away”. Both are Bill Withers’ songs.
  • Favorite movies might be “Notebook” or “Gone With the Wind”.

In summary, all 3 subtypes have equally valid world views but the most complete and effective position is to have the flexibility to move between all 3 subtypes when the situation dictates. Dating is clearly best served by 1:1 Instinctual Subtype and job hunting is well served with numerous, even if they are superficial contacts, that might be contained in the rolodex of a SC subtype. But for the 1:1 subtype, a dose of self preservation allows them to have intimacy and security. Wholeness always includes all the options available to us.

Fear, Anger, and Sadness the Gifts of Shadow

Shadow is a normal part of our psychological development and is not the dark side of who we are.  It simply is.  In order to be fully whole we have to embrace, accept and have compassion for our shadow.  Shadow is simply the storage unit for the parts of ourselves that we decided were unhelpful or unacceptable as we developed an Ego/Persona/Personality type in order to deal with this extroverted world.  We needed to define ourselves for others or in truth they would define us.  That is, they would project their own shadow onto us.  My own persona is “I am a hardworking, goal oriented, competitive person who will help your business succeed”.  That might be great for a business interview but the shadow side might be better for personal relationships.  That would be a persona that is “Easy going, relationship based, mutually supportive person who will value our relationship”.  The combination of Persona and Shadow is a whole person.

So how are Fear, Anger and Sadness gifts from the shadow.  They are gifts because they alert us to the abandoned parts of ourselves that we need to re-collect.  If someone calls me incompetent and I experience anger then I need to re-collect incompetence from my shadow.   If someone calls me weak and I am fearful, then I need to re-collect weakness from my shadow.  If I can accept that incompetence and weakness are simply parts of who I am then I will not experience emotional reactivity to someone else’s name calling.  I will not be impacted.  That frees up my energy and gives me more options for relating to others.  In addition, my psyche knows that there are times that I am incompetent, I don’t speak Chinese, or weak, I can’t lift a car by myself, which frees my psyche up from burning energy to deny these facts of life.  I am both competent and incompetent.  I am both strong and weak.  I am both humble and arrogant.  I am loving and selfish. I am unique and mundane.  I am knowledgeable and ignorant.   I am responsible and at times irresponsible.  I am powerful and weak.  I am harmonious and chaotic.   I am all of these things and more.  The concept of wholeness is expressed elegantly in the poem “The Thunder, Perfect Mind” from the Gnostic Gospels.

Look upon me, you who reflect upon me,

and you hearers, hear me.

You who are waiting for me, take me to yourselves.

And do not banish me from your sight.

And do not make your voice hate me, nor your hearing.

Do not be ignorant of me anywhere or any time. Be on your guard!

Do not be ignorant of me.

For I am the first and the last.

I am the honored one and the scorned one.

I am the whore and the holy one.

I am the wife and the virgin.

I am <the mother> and the daughter.

I am the members of my mother.

I am the barren one

and many are her sons.

I am she whose wedding is great,

and I have not taken a husband.

I am the midwife and she who does not bear.

I am the solace of my labor pains.

I am the bride and the bridegroom,

and it is my husband who begot me.

I am the mother of my father

and the sister of my husband

and he is my offspring.

Be on your guard!  Do not be ignorant of me.  Those are appropriate words for dealing with our Shadow.  If you are in conflict with another person you are in your Shadow—“Be on Guard!”  The opportunity for identifying the cause of your emotional reactivity is at this very moment.  “Do not be ignorant of me” for it is the ignorance that causes suffering, not the Shadow.

Carl Jung had this to say about Shadow.  “The best political, social, and spiritual work we can do is to withdraw the projection of our shadow onto others.”  I agree.  Our current political environment reminds me of the 1950’s when television became generally available.  Soap Operas were the rage and my Mother and friends would discuss the characters and their antics as if that was reality.  It was just as much reality as the current political discourse.  Political figures like soap opera heroines provide us with the opportunity to project our shadow onto them and then claim that as reality.  Instead, we need to take personal responsibility for the feelings that we have disavowed and make them part of our totality as human beings, not attribute them to other people.  When we all own our Persona and Shadow then conflict will abate.  Until then it is impossible. Goethe said “Let everyone sweep in front of his own door, and the world will be clean”.

I look forward to discussing Shadow and what we can do to “Sweep in front of our own door”.   That is how we will change the world.

Steve Purdom, M.D.

Success and Failure

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I was asked recently what would I tell young threes who are just learning the enneagram.  There is so much that is pertinent that it would take several pages.  But limited to a few paragraphs, then I would encourage them to give up their identification with success or failure.  You are not valuable when you succeed and your value does not go away when you fail.  You are a divine human being who has value that is separate from your competencies, skills or successes.  This is anathema to a three.  If you cannot separate yourself from your achievements then you will not believe that you are worthy of love.  You are not loved because you are worthy but rather you have intrinsic value as a human being.

Threes would also do well to exchange doing for being.  If we are producing, then we think we are more valuable.  If not producing then we are developing skills that help us to produce. I have never met a 3 that didn’t have multiple skills.  Academics, arts, scholarship, athletics, business, or professions will do for a 3.  They just want to be  better than others at these thing.  Value, according to a 3, is hierarchal based on achievement.  If a 3 could enjoy an activity alone, noncompetitively and without comparison that would be a very healthy 3 indeed.  If a 3 could enjoy time alone not even in activity that would be impressive.

I welcome all 3’s to the enneagram and hope that they absorb the understanding that is available to them.  Maybe they can learn to live and love, separate from their remarkable achievements.

Know Thy Neighbor

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The holiday season is heightened with compassion for our neighbors. It would be great to continue this feeling all year long. What better way than using the enneagram to enhance our understanding of the behavior and motivation in our family, friends, coworkers and neighbors. I find that when I know other’s enneastyle then I interact with them in a more compassionate way. When I meet young 3’s, which I did yesterday, I see their competitive nature, overwhelming need to succeed not as arrogance but as their contribution to our society. Yes I do wish for them to have understanding of their value beyond their leadership/success contributions but not in a judgmental way. I want it just for them, not for me. I appreciated the young man that I met and enjoyed our 2 hour conversation. As we were parting, he asked for my email address which I gladly supplied. Without the enneagram, I may have viewed him much differently. I may have seen arrogance and win at all costs rather than how the same motivations might contribute to a productive society but were appreciated in the moment by myself regardless of what path he takes.

With that said, how do we understand the messages that people are sending us. I have accumulated some clues, over the years, from listening to each enneastyle tell their story. Ones want to do the right thing and will frequently use this language in their conversations. If they are wrong or behave wrongly, my one friends tell me they feel shame and anxiety. I do not want that for them, and am careful to help them avoid right/wrong scenarios in our conversations. I use positive affirmations and avoid judgmental or critical comments. That is my way of showing compassion.

Twos are loving, caring people who also want to be loved. Without the understanding from the enneagram we might interpret their attempts to meet our needs as bossy, overly involved in our lives or question their motivations. Instead, why not accept their caregiving while maintaining our borders and saying the three words that 2’s want to hear. “I appreciate you”. That seems like so little effort for such a gift.

Fours are the storage center for myriad emotions. They express dramatically, what some of us feel vaguely, in art, music, cinema and clothing. They want understanding of others and other’s understanding of them. Again, in conversation fours will frequently use the word “understanding” to express their quest in life. The enneagram allows us to see them as enhancing the understanding of life for all of us rather than failing to see them and their contributions clearly.

One of my 5 friends signs all emails with “ I know lots of things and some of them are even useful”. Yes our five friends will tell us how to build a clock but they only share their extensive knowledge with people they love. It is their gift. You can probably recognize your 5 friends when they use the phrase “observe and think”. That is their trademark. I learned another phrase from a very young five that is helpful—“ Privacy is a divine right”. I always respect the privacy of my five friends and I do not hug them unless they initiate. They are much more comfortable discussing defined topics than emotional issues. That is why we need all nine types.
There are times for intellect and there are times for emotions. There are nine different sets of talents in the enneagram world and they are all valuable. My gift of compassion for my 5 friends is to always respect their privacy/boundaries and understand that when they download knowledge that is their gift to me.

Sixes are the good shepherds. They watch out for the “worst case scenarios” and will use exactly that language. They will watch our backs and want us to do the same for them. They are loyal to proven friends but skeptical with new relationships. Their gifts to all of us are loyalty, skepticism, and a sense of duty/responsibility. If we can appreciate that they are watching out for all of us then rather than see them as pessimists we can understand that they are indeed “Good Shepherds”. I accept my 6 friends gifts and my compassion for them is to make sure that I am trustworthy and deserving of their loyalty. I will also share some of my innate optimism with them.

Sevens will use the word “fun” in any 5 minute conversation. They are playful, enthusiastic, optimistic and adventurous. They remind all of us of what it was like before we became such serious adults. They will call and invite you at the last minute and they will accept a last minute invitation. They bring joy into our lives. These are their gifts. My compassion for sevens is to not limit their joyful expression or their visionary talents. I hold my space while they explore boundaries and new frontiers.

Eights are serious people who do not like “BS” and that is one of their signature words. They will lead, protect, and seek justice for those who can’t defend themselves so easily. They are the warriors and that is their gift. My compassion for them is to hold my ground when they are expressing anger and to understand the soft under belly that they are trying to protect. Without the enneagram I might see 8’s as bullies rather than protecting their own wounding. I might be afraid rather than compassionate.

Nines are recognizable by their willingness to go along and get along. “Whatever” is a signature word for nines. They want harmony and they understand others point of view. They bring peace to volatile situations and make great mediators or ambassadors. Their serenity and lack of drama can make chaos dissolve. That is their gift. My compassion for them is to make sure that I hear them and acknowledge their talents and presence. I am always patient when they need to weigh multiple aspects of situations, even if it is which restaurant. I recognize that with the harmony they bring comes contemplation which requires time and does not have a schedule. In exchange, I receive the gift of calming and acceptance.

Self-Preservation Instinctual Subtype

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A separate and important component of the enneagram is the instinctual subtypes. The three instinctual subtypes, self-preservation, social, and one-on-one, are unconscious and yet all pervasive. Oscar Ichazo, recognized by many as the founder of the enneagram, described the subtypes as “three fundamental reactions of our organism to sustain life.” The subtypes are indeed three distinct approaches to long term survival. Each instinctual subtype represents one third of the truth. The best option for survival is to have all three subtypes fully developed and available to us.

In general, we do have and use all three subtypes but one is usually dominant. The next most prominent subtype is still strong and available to us, but the third is often underdeveloped. There are people who seem to move fluidly from self-preservation to one-on-one to social and approach problems with more flexibility and more options for decision making and resolving conflict. Our goal should be to have equal access to all three subtypes.

Today, I want to focus on self-preservation as a subtype. It is an ultimate subtype for survival and contains one-third of the truth. Individuals with this subtype concentrate their efforts on obtaining food, clothing and shelter. Their primary goal is comfort and security. They tend to be individualistic, self-sufficient (in their eyes) and do not believe in dependency on social organizations for themselves or others. They might well be the Libertarians in our political system.

For self-preservation individuals, comfort includes temperature, touch and general well-being. Furniture, linens and personal clothing must accommodate this need. There is some degree of correlation between self-preservation types and kinestheseology. Many self-preservation individuals report having a favorite blanket made from soft, comforting materials such as fine wools.

In modern society, and especially for self-preservation individuals, security includes freedom from violence as well as financial stability. This translates into 401K plans, job security, savings accounts, bill paying and even health insurance. Hoarding is problematic for self-preservation individuals and toilet paper is a common item to hoard. A well-respected enneagram teacher told me in a casual conversation that sexual addictions were more common in self-preservation individuals and perhaps is an expansion of the hoarding compulsion.

One of my personal interests is how the different instinctual subtypes interact with each other. For example, where are the conflicts between self-preservation and social subtypes? In general, the self-preservation type wants to stay home, have a good meal and sit in their favorite, comfortable chair. Socializing is not a priority. The social subtypes feel that security comes from social contacts and they may have an extensive rolodex that they want to maintain and expand. The social person will push to go to meetings, parties or gatherings of almost any type which will create conflict with their stay-at-home, self-preservation partner.

In contrast, the one-on-one subtype wants intense interactions with their partner. Even though all of us can understand this need in a dating relationship, the self-preservation subtype will revert to home, hearth, food and their general comfort after solidifying a relationship. As a result, the one-on-one person may feel abandoned, even though that is not the intent of the self-preservation types who welcome sharing their security and comfort. Indeed, many self-preservation individuals report that the way they show love is by meeting the self-preservation needs of their partner, even if that is not what their one-on-one partner is looking for. One of the differences between self-preservation and one-on-one is that the self-preservation subtype is more comfortable with side-by-side interactions with their partner while the one-on-one subtype wants face-to-face interaction. This is true both physically and emotionally.

So, how do these instinctual subtypes impact our everyday decisions? Subtypes impact almost every segment of our lives from marriage to work to vacations to book and movie choices to sporting activities. For a self-preservation subtype, professional choices will revolve around job security and will focus on potential insurance and retirement benefits. Sports will be more fitness oriented…running, weight-lifting, aerobics…and will not necessarily include social aspects like golfing outings or team sports. Books and movies will often focus on rags-to-riches or hero-achieves-success themes. Self-preservation music will focus on independence and solidity within one’s self.

In summary, all three subtypes have equally valid worldviews. The most complete and effective position is to have the flexibility to move between all three subtypes when the situation dictates. For example, dating is clearly best served by the one-on-one instinctual subtype while job hunting is well served with numerous contacts that might be contained in the rolodex of a social subtype. Wholeness, then, will include using all of the options available to us.