What are Boundaries? When we let people know what we will and what we won’t accept in relationships, then we are setting boundaries. Hopefully, we can all agree that we don’t accept verbal or physical abuse and make that clear with our friends and partners. In addition, there are varying levels of boundaries that involve privacy, time, possessions, work or space. The multiple layers of interactions that we encounter in our relationships make them complicated and require us to skillfully navigate them if we are to be successful in our interactions with others. We need to protect our emotions, body, time, and space when necessary, but doing so with the appropriate amount of emotional energy.
In addition to blocking behavior that we won’t tolerate; we need to be receptive to behavior that is in our self-interest. Kindness, caring, love, sharing, physical contact, loving acts, and many others make our lives more enjoyable. So our boundaries need to be constructed in a way that allows the “good” in and keeps the “bad” out. Skillfully setting boundaries implies that we can accomplish both of these actions. Walls that keep everything out may be protective, but they limit our opportunities. A lack of walls may give us lots of opportunities but also subject us to behavior in others that is not in our best self-interest.
So, how do we set boundaries with the many people in our lives? The most helpful single word is “No”. Do you want to go to the movies on Friday? No. That is sufficient.
With our most intimate relationships, there may need to be more discussion, but we should honor our partner’s boundaries and they should honor ours. My wife does a meditation everyday from 4:00 to 5:00. In the 18 years of our marriage I have never interrupted her. I think the only justification would be if the house is on fire. I respect her boundaries.
Unfortunately with all of our myriad relationships and the different levels of intimacy from none to long term intimate partner or child, we need different levels of response. With purely transactional
relationships the boundaries should be clear and enforced. That is, with someone doing work on your house or selling you a product, then it is fair to declare “these are the boundaries I need for us to both participate in this transaction”. If they can’t honor those boundaries, then look for another vendor.
On the other hand, with our children, we should try and make the boundaries clear, but there are many grey areas that cloud our decision making. Therefore it is going to require more thought and negotiation about where our respective boundaries begin and end. The boundaries still need to be defined and enforced for the sake of both child and parent, but are surely more negotiable.
Why do we struggle setting boundaries with others? What do we think the cost is of protecting our boundaries in a relationship? I would suggest that we are fearful that the person we are setting boundaries with will not like us or love us, and maybe they will abandon us. Or maybe we believe they will stay in the relationship but be angry and verbally or emotionally abusive.
Our perception of how setting boundaries will be perceived is frequently based on our childhood experiences. If our parents didn’t respect or encourage us to set boundaries, we probably don’t believe that we have the right or ability to set boundaries as an adult. Maybe our parents threatened to abandon us if we tried to enforce boundaries or they simply overwhelmed us using the power discrepancy between parent and child. In many cases, we have given up our own power in the hopes of getting our emotional neediness met. Unfortunately, we frequently give up our rights regarding boundaries and still do not receive the hoped for emotional support.
Skillfully setting boundaries requires practice and awareness of our emotional needs that are injected into the process. If this is a difficult area for you, then I suggest starting with people who do not carry emotional significance, such as a stranger. There are more opportunities than you might realize.
Lastly, the responsibility for setting boundaries is yours. People will act with different levels of self-awareness, and it is up to you to make them aware of your boundaries. Gently at first, but more forcefully if needed.
Our lives are an opportunity to improve and deepen our relationships with others and setting boundaries is a very important skill set. I look forward to interacting with you in a respectful, loving, and self-aware fashion to the benefit of both of us.
Sincerely,
Steve Purdom