With that said, how do we understand the messages that people are sending us. I have accumulated some clues, over the years, from listening to each enneastyle tell their story. Ones want to do the right thing and will frequently use this language in their conversations. If they are wrong or behave wrongly, my one friends tell me they feel shame and anxiety. I do not want that for them, and am careful to help them avoid right/wrong scenarios in our conversations. I use positive affirmations and avoid judgmental or critical comments. That is my way of showing compassion.

Twos are loving, caring people who also want to be loved. Without the understanding from the enneagram we might interpret their attempts to meet our needs as bossy, overly involved in our lives or question their motivations. Instead, why not accept their caregiving while maintaining our borders and saying the three words that 2’s want to hear. “I appreciate you”. That seems like so little effort for such a gift.

Fours are the storage center for myriad emotions. They express dramatically, what some of us feel vaguely, in art, music, cinema and clothing. They want understanding of others and other’s understanding of them. Again, in conversation fours will frequently use the word “understanding” to express their quest in life. The enneagram allows us to see them as enhancing the understanding of life for all of us rather than failing to see them and their contributions clearly.

One of my 5 friends signs all emails with “ I know lots of things and some of them are even useful”. Yes our five friends will tell us how to build a clock but they only share their extensive knowledge with people they love. It is their gift. You can probably recognize your 5 friends when they use the phrase “observe and think”. That is their trademark. I learned another phrase from a very young five that is helpful—“ Privacy is a divine right”. I always respect the privacy of my five friends and I do not hug them unless they initiate. They are much more comfortable discussing defined topics than emotional issues. That is why we need all nine types.
There are times for intellect and there are times for emotions. There are nine different sets of talents in the enneagram world and they are all valuable. My gift of compassion for my 5 friends is to always respect their privacy/boundaries and understand that when they download knowledge that is their gift to me.

Sixes are the good shepherds. They watch out for the “worst case scenarios” and will use exactly that language. They will watch our backs and want us to do the same for them. They are loyal to proven friends but skeptical with new relationships. Their gifts to all of us are loyalty, skepticism, and a sense of duty/responsibility. If we can appreciate that they are watching out for all of us then rather than see them as pessimists we can understand that they are indeed “Good Shepherds”. I accept my 6 friends gifts and my compassion for them is to make sure that I am trustworthy and deserving of their loyalty. I will also share some of my innate optimism with them.

Sevens will use the word “fun” in any 5 minute conversation. They are playful, enthusiastic, optimistic and adventurous. They remind all of us of what it was like before we became such serious adults. They will call and invite you at the last minute and they will accept a last minute invitation. They bring joy into our lives. These are their gifts. My compassion for sevens is to not limit their joyful expression or their visionary talents. I hold my space while they explore boundaries and new frontiers.

Eights are serious people who do not like “BS” and that is one of their signature words. They will lead, protect, and seek justice for those who can’t defend themselves so easily. They are the warriors and that is their gift. My compassion for them is to hold my ground when they are expressing anger and to understand the soft under belly that they are trying to protect. Without the enneagram I might see 8’s as bullies rather than protecting their own wounding. I might be afraid rather than compassionate.

Nines are recognizable by their willingness to go along and get along. “Whatever” is a signature word for nines. They want harmony and they understand others point of view. They bring peace to volatile situations and make great mediators or ambassadors. Their serenity and lack of drama can make chaos dissolve. That is their gift. My compassion for them is to make sure that I hear them and acknowledge their talents and presence. I am always patient when they need to weigh multiple aspects of situations, even if it is which restaurant. I recognize that with the harmony they bring comes contemplation which requires time and does not have a schedule. In exchange, I receive the gift of calming and acceptance.