The concept of MYELW is that the only person you can change is yourself. The only person that you can make healthier is yourself. In addition, you cannot get your emotional neediness met from anyone else on a continuous and unconditional basis. There will be moments when your partner is totally focused on what it is that you need emotionally, but that moment will pass. They will go to work or to watch a sporting event or be distracted by the children’s needs or just become more focused on their own neediness.
However, if you do your own personal work and become aware that what you are seeking is actually coming from unfulfilled needs of childhood, then you can refocus your efforts from trying to obtain these needs outside yourself to re-parenting yourself. You are the one person who can love yourself continuously and unconditionally. You are the one person who can understand yourself, affirm yourself, protect yourself, support yourself and even initiate playful activities for yourself. That child that didn’t get all the things they needed in their birth family can get all things from their adult version of themselves.
When you move your neediness from your partner to yourself, then your partner will change. They will not feel so drained by your neediness and will actually, in many cases, begin to meet those needs. They will have the energy to be more loving, attentive, affirming, and supportive. Most of us are not getting those needs met with our current strategies, so perhaps trying a new strategy does not entail much risk.
So how do we start this process? We begin with a dialogue with our Inner Child. Close your eyes, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, feet solidly on the floor and comfortable in your chair. Now visualize your child and note what age they are and ask them what they want to be called. I would take the child to a safe, pleasant place and begin the conversation. I would start with stating explicitly that you love that child unconditionally and that they are the most precious thing in your life. What do you need from me? How can I reassure you that I will provide ___________ for you? What can I do right now to demonstrate my commitment to meeting your needs? When the conversation is over, then tell your child that you are always available and that you will return soon for another conversation.
Whenever you are angry, fearful, or sad then visualize your Inner Child and ask them what is wrong. Why are you afraid? Why are you angry? Why are you sad? What can I do to ease your pain?
This process is the beginning of a journey that should last the rest of your lifetime. Always returning to that precious, precocious child that knows what you and she need. Each time you acknowledge that her unresolved pain has been triggered by an event outside of both of you and that you want to know why she is in pain, what is the real source of the pain, then you get closer to a resolution of the childhood pain that you still feel inside of you.
Written with love and kindness and hopefully from thoughtfulness, caring and authenticity.
Sincerely,
Steve Purdom