Each of us have childhood issues that we sometimes ask other to resolve for us. My mother didn’t love would you do that for me. I was never understood as a child would you do that for me. This behavior seldom works out well. Our partners cannot know what our emotional needs are and when we need them met. In addition, it drains energy from our partners. The one person who can meets these needs is us. We should work to do so.
If someone makes us angry, sad or fearful, then we need to look inside ourselves for the origin of the emotional reactivity. That does not mean they are “right” and it may be that their behavior is such that we are not going to tolerate it but still the emotional reactivity belongs to us. Example, I was in a business relationship in which someone behaved without integrity. I planned to end the relationship but first I needed to determine why I was so angry ( reactive ) to their behavior. Not surprisingly both of my parents acted without integrity which made that a hot button issue for me. I still ended the relationship but not out of my reactivity but because we both needed integrity for the business to be successful.
Setting boundaries is the process of letting other people know what we will and won’t tolerate. Emotional and physical abuse should not be tolerated and people need to understand that we will not interact with them if they don’t treat us in a loving, respectful manner. There are numerous situations in intimate relationships that have to be negotiated and the more skillfully we ask for what we need, the more likely we are to be successful. It is always our responsibility to insure that people treat us respectfully. We control our boundaries.
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